This post is for anyone who engages in toxic tendencies, which for most of us…is most of us! While some may not habitually have toxic tendencies, these behaviors at any time can cause harm to your relationships and certainly wreak havoc on your body through the stress response. At the very least, I would want you to consider the notion that relieving yourself of toxic behaviors will bring more joy to your life.
Where to begin? How about we begin with your thoughts?
Thoughts are unspoken words we say to ourselves and hear in our minds. This is also called self talk. Sometimes, the more we think about a situation (be it a charged or neutral situation), the more intense our feelings become. A situation fuels the thoughts which fuel the feelings. The thoughts fuel the feelings which, in turn, fuel a behavioral reaction. It can become a vicious cycle, yet you do have the power to stop the cycle and change your reaction – thus putting an end to a toxic tendency.
According to Cognitive Psychology (I tend to like the works of Aaron and Judith Beck), all people have core beliefs. There is some speculation about from where these beliefs derive: early childhood, various experiences in life, etc. The one thing that is known, in addition to being overgeneralized and rigid, distorted or maladaptive core beliefs have a grave impact on individuals and their reactions to self and others. These beliefs are so deep-seated that they often do not even get acknowledged let alone articulated by the individual…until they are brought to awareness. While core beliefs create emotions and ultimately behavioral reactions, one does not have to know his/her core beliefs to change his/her behaviors. One simply has to catch the automatic thoughts that surface as a result of core beliefs.
So before we start to reframe your maladaptive thoughts - your Self Talk, thus changing a toxic tendency, I would like you to try a short exercise:
Consider a recent, specific and upsetting or distressing situation that you have experienced. If you cannot think of one, consider a recent change or stressor you are experiencing. You may want to grab a piece of paper and a pen to jot this down.
What are your automatic thoughts/self talk (about the situation, yourself, or the person involved in this situation) associated with this statement?
Try to be objective and write down the specific thought verbatim.
What Toxic Tendency do you think is most closely related to this thought? Once you have identified the tendency, please acknowledge the core need you may have.
For the example above, the Toxic Tendency is Controller.
Thought Reframing
Now we get to the fun part! Thought reframing. Thought reframing is just like how it sounds - reframing or changing your thoughts. Thoughts hold enormous amounts of power in our minds and bodies. Change your thoughts, change your life.
The following steps are useful for working toward reframing or restructuring those maladaptive thoughts that are causing a disservice. There are four main steps to Thought Reframing:
Step #1 – Catch
Catch the automatic thoughts that seem to be causing negative emotions or reactions. Many people repeat the same patterns and automatic thoughts for various situations. These thoughts are at the tip of your brain. If you stop and listen, you will catch them.
Step #2 – Look
Take a good look at those thoughts. The goal is to assess their validity and usefulness. Is the thought true or false? If you have no evidence to prove the thought is true, then it is false until proven otherwise. How is this thought serving you? Draw an objective conclusion about the thought. What are the gains of this thought? Sometimes there are secondary gains to maladaptive thoughts. The secondary gain could simply be the habit of feeling miserably comfortable around a thought that brings you grief and anxiety.
Dispute the maladaptive automatic thought: Ask yourself, “What is the best argument against this thought?”
Step #3 – Shift
Work toward changing the maladaptive thought by shifting perceptions from those that are unrealistic and harmful to those that are more rational and useful. Find or create evidence to support the best argument against the maladaptive thought. This is where you give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it’s just a matter of letting go of the maladaptive thought by acknowledging that it no longer serves you. Ask yourself, ‘what’s the worst thing that can happen?’ When you have the answer to that question, continue to ask yourself, 'and this is a problem because...'
For example: If the worst thing that can happen is 'this person will be upset with me', do a quick evidence check. What evidence do you have to validate that thought? Anything? Perhaps you've observed this person getting upset in the past. Does this mean for certain he will get upset again?
Okay, so let's say there's a 51% + chance he will get upset. Continue on and ask yourself, 'This is a problem because...?
I won't know how to handle his reactions'.
And this is a problem because, 'If I don't know how to handle his reactions, I will have anxiety'.
And this is a problem because, "If I have anxiety, I will feel useless or sick to my stomach".
Continue to ask yourself these questions until you get to a problem that can be easily resolved. For example, if the final statement is, 'I'll feel sick to my stomach" then you know that you can do something about it.
The irony in many cases is that often maladaptive thoughts are about protecting our vulnerabilities, which are exactly what the maladaptive thoughts harm in the first place. Let me explain: If I'm worried about upsetting you because your reaction is going to give me anxiety, but yet I have anxiety worrying about your reaction, what's the point? The maladaptive thought is doing me more harm than you ever could!
Consider the reality: it is much more likely that the story you are making up in your head is not nearly as challenging or difficult as the reality you would experience if your thoughts didn't run the show. Shift those thoughts to something more realistic and healthy.
Step #4 – Create and Practice
After you have shifted the maladaptive thoughts, create a new thought and practice using it over and over again. By changing thoughts, emotions change, and by changing emotions, behaviors change. THIS is how you release yourself from Toxic Tendencies.
Thought Reframing Worksheet
This worksheet is a guide to help you understand the process of thought reframing based on the example above: You are part of a project team. The team leader didn’t complete an expected and promised deliverable to another group. Instead of approaching the project leader, a co-worker from that other group shares her frustrations with you about how her team is impacted by this delay.
CREATE and PRACTICE
Examples of new thoughts in relation to the three maladaptive thoughts shown above:
1. I am not alone here. I am part of something bigger. This isn’t about me. I am not a victim. I am a thriver. I was responsible for my part, and I did it to the best of my ability. OR how about this one: Control is an illusion. I will be okay if I release some control.
2. I will shine through as a supportive team member. I can help others feel more competent. I recognize others have competencies that may be different from my own.
3. I’m capable. This is an opportunity for me to practice communication skills. His reaction is not about me, and I have the ability to handle whatever comes my way.
Now you try it! CATCH, LOOK, SHIFT and CREATE new thoughts. Then Practice Practice Practice.
You have the power to relieve yourself of toxic tendencies, to meet your own core needs, and to create a way of life that feels more joyful and more physically, mentally and spiritually healthy.
Do it for your co-workers.
Do if for your family.
Do it for your self.
Cheers to you and to living in harmony,
Kenda
**In early 2010 I'll be writing about managing change. It's hard to believe we're coming up on 2010! Wishing you all a year of peaceful connection with self, others and the earth.
