Eight Avoidable Toxic Tendencies

I believe that no human is free from the woes of engaging in toxic behaviors. It would take the mindset of a Buddhist Monk to avoid having even the slightest of reactions during tense times –especially during these tense times of economic turmoil and the whole earth blowing up to due to climate change n’such. So given that even the normal neurotic struggles with toxic tendencies, one can imagine the challenges of a person who wears a toxic persona as their mask of choice –blissfully unaware of the painful reactions they create from others! Tough stuff!

By definition, toxic tendencies create a toxic environment: Poisonous, deadly, lethal, noxious, contaminated, and venomous. You get the point. Really, folks, it’s no fun at all for anyone –the person with the toxic tendency and the recipients of the harmful behaviors. It’s what we call joy-squelching at its best.

HOWEVER, if you knowingly engage in toxic behaviors, you can have more joy in your life. And, uh, if you unknowingly engage in toxic behavior, well, you and everyone you know are screwed. Mostly, though, just everyone you know, so you can breath easy.

Seriously, toxic tendencies like putting on your shoes, eating lunch, brushing your teeth and snacking after 9:00 pm while watching tv, are simply a habit. One begins to become so habituated to these behaviors that s/he becomes miserably comfortable with this way of ‘being’.

Repeat after me: I can do better. I can feel better. Just like Stewart Smalley: I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me.

Our behaviors are a direct result of our needs and feelings. The four main feelings are Happy, Sad, Mad and Afraid. Toxic tendencies are often merely another way of expressing a need, even if those with toxic tendencies are choosing inappropriate and ineffective ways to communicate that need. These folks are likely feeling disempowered for not having that need met. Like other people, they too, deserve to be understood, to feel welcomed, comfortable, important and empowered. They deserve to feel like they matter –even if you disagree.

In some cases, folks with toxic tendencies find themselves so caught up in their tough roles that they actually do not know how to get out of these roles. They may have the irrational belief my needs will never be met. As mentioned before, like many habits, some people with dysfunctional habits become miserably comfortable with this belief. It becomes safe and predictable in an unhealthy way. This is part of a self-fulfilling prophecy: An irrational belief drives behaviors that create a reality that perpetuates the irrational belief.

Each Toxic Tendency is dominated by a core feeling as mentioned above and shown below. In most cases, the person engaging in a toxic tendency is fully unaware of the feelings that are driving his or her behaviors. When we can focus on the feeling, it can help us have compassion for these toxic folks, because their behaviors are a result of pain. My personal belief: A human in pain is deserving of compassion regardless of how s/he is acting on that pain. And hopefully we can have compassion for ourselves if we are the ones behaving with toxicity.

The four main feelings are:

Happy (satisfied, glad, content, elated, joyful)

Mad (upset, frustrated, irritated, angry, furious)

Sad (down, low, disappointed, dissatisfied, depressed)

Afraid (cautious, anxious, concerned, worried, scared, desperate)

And remember those Eight Core Human Needs? Each Toxic Tendency is simply trying to meet a core need.

Core Human Needs

Acknowledgment

To be seen and witnessed, for one to feel s/he is respected, important and matter in the eyes of others

Empowerment

The ability to make choices that affect one’s life

Connection

To be part of a supportive community

Equity

To have honesty, fairness and order

Happiness

To enjoy life – to have fun

Harmony

To live in agreement with personal values – to have peace, ease, authenticity and integrity

Meaning
To feel there is purpose and meaning to one’s time, actions and life, and to feel self-worth

Well-Being

To have Emotional, Physical and Spiritual comfort and the sense of security, stability and predictability

Listed below are the Eight Toxic Tendencies along with the core feelings and needs. Read it and weep. Well, ya don’t have to weep. Just read it and see if anything resonates with you.

If are a person behaving with Toxic Tendencies: next posting (by December 9) will show how, through some simple cognitive reframing techniques, you can change any ole’ habit of Toxic Tendencies.

If you are the recipient of a person with toxic tendencies: you can refer to some past posts on Kick-Ass Compassion.

Eight Avoidable Toxic Tendencies

Controller

This tendency lends itself to frustration, because the need to control is manifested by the Controller finding a way to get into your business. The Controller works the system, works the people in the system, and works the processes in the system. The person who engages in this tendency is highly skilled at aligning others to his cause and strategically breaking up functional relationships. You feel worked over. He is so expert at manipulating that you walk away shaking your head wondering ‘what just happened here?’ There’s a high probability that this person is co-dependent. He needs to fix others and control the situation in order to create a more predictable environment for himself. This is likely to be the most savvy of all the tendencies, because the Controller reads people so expertly that he knows how to respond and react in a way that meets his needs. While at times he may appear indifferent, behind the scenes is likely lurking a hidden agenda. Chances are, while the Controller has a core desire to delegate work, release some of the pressures of work, and create a functioning workplace; his controlling ways repel people away from him thus creating the opposite of what he really wants.

The upswing? If you don’t feel like working, this person is likely to take over for you.

Word used to describe someone with this tendency include: Indifferent, manipulator, and control freak

The core behavior: Controlling

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Cautious

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Connection

Critic

This tendency lends itself to others feeling criticized, judged or flat-out offended. People who work with The Critic don’t want to ask his opinion, because they are likely to be met with, ‘Why did you do it that way?’ or ‘That will never work because…’ The Critic has an opinion about most things, and it often arrives in a negative format. The Critic has an innate need to be right and sadly this is manifested in a way that makes others feel wrong. This tendency is most likely to blame others and to avoid taking responsibility. Interestingly, this tendency creates a situation in which one tries to get The Critic’s approval with the predicted and oftentimes outcome of feeling squelched when that approval simply is not delivered: This creates a vicious cycle of seeking approval only to be denied that validation. This vicious cycle creates an environment of resentment.

The upswing? If you want to feel stupid, you know where to go for validation.

Word used to describe someone with this tendency include: Blamer, judgmental, petty, and wanna-be expert

The core behavior with this tendency: Claiming to be right

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Frustrated

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Meaning

Extremist
This toxic tendency is about extremes. Nothing is good, everything is bad. The world is falling apart. There exists very little moderation with this tendency. This person seems to have almost no boundaries and shares information that may be uncomfortable for others to receive. Someone with this tendency talks endlessly – an external stream of consciousness. While this individual may at times have a lot of energy, his lows are as low as his highs are high. Nothing is done in moderation –the extremes range from energy (I’m so tired I can’t possibly function today), sickliness (I was SO sick last night that I thought I puked out my small intestine!), world views (this world is so messed up, and we are all doomed), society (kids have no idea how easily they have it these days –they’re hopeless) and people (people suck). You’ll be hungry, but that person will be starving. You’ll be upset, but they will be having the worst day in the history of history. There’s no beating this tendency’s story, because his experience will always and absolutely be bigger, worse, more compelling, etc etc etc.

The attitude of The Extremist is that of ….moody. This individual swings so easily from one mood to the next that those who work around him do not know what to expect from one day to the other.

The upswing? On those days you’re feeling miserable, you have company.

Words used to describe this tendency include: Moody, pessimist, negative, and drama queen
The core behavior with this tendency: Absolute Thinking

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Fear
The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Well-Being

Fire Starter

There is no love with this toxic tendency. This is the person who froths venom and is flat-out mean. It’s the bully in the group. The Fire-Starter gets trouble started and then either bails like an arsonist when it’s time to address the issues or seemingly fearlessly adds fuel to the fire she started. They leave a wake of anger, frustration and fear. This toxic tendency lends itself to an intimidating or argumentative environment. The people who live and work around this tendency are often afraid of this person’s reactions, so they tip-toe around this individual in an effort to not turn a smoldering camp fire into a raging inferno.

Simply standing near a Fire Starter can do harm to your psyche. Others find themselves in a constant state of fight or flight – the stress response. When this person walks into a room, people scatter. One positive side with this tendency is that you know, at all times, where you stand. Unfortunately, you often find yourself standing in the way of being bulldozed over by the bully.

The upswing? Sometimes it’s a relief to watch the bully demean or rather ‘humble’ other people who also have toxic tendencies.

Words used to describe this tendency include: aggressive, hostile, argumentative, demanding, obnoxious, vulgar, mean and intimidating.

The core behavior with this tendency: Reaction

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Anger

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Empowerment

Guilt Tripper

Of all the tendencies this is the one that is most prone to depressive behaviors or anxiety. Chances are, the Guilt Tripper has some deep-seated issues that may go beyond normal neuroticism. This is the person who appears needy and manages to get the sympathies of others through guilt or similar means –mostly guilt. Sometimes it seems that they have such a low self-esteem that they will do whatever others tell them to do, and then they create a situation in which others feel ‘badly’ for soliciting their support. An example of this may be: You are working on a new project and are challenged to get support from anyone. The Guilt Tripper steps in to help. Several days, weeks or months later when she needs help and you’re not available, she reminds you of the support she gave you and how she had to sacrifice something very important to do so and that she is still suffering as a result of that sacrifice.

In some cases, the Guilt Tripper seems to get exploited for her helpfulness, but that is not necessarily the case. Somehow someway she likely thrives on feeling used and abused. She is also likely to be a self-guilt tripper meaning: She sees situations that couldn’t have been prevented as her fault. She has a tendency to be the self-indulged self-assuming scapegoat in the group. Blame simply has to be placed somewhere, and she will pick up the tab if no one else does.

The upswing? The Guilt Tripper will help when no one else will…with potential unforeseen conditions.

Word used to describe someone with this tendency include: Depressed, stressed, helpless, low self esteem, indecisive, lonely, needy, and puppet

The core behavior with this tendency: Helpfulness with conditions

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Anxious

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Happiness

Hide n’ Seeker

Known to be a liar, master of sabotage, back-stabber, button pusher, and caustic barb thrower. This person causes trouble and then dismisses or avoids the issue when someone wants to address it; or she hides behind passive aggressive behaviors by turning it back around on you. It’s a cycle of behaviors that creates an enabling environment. You know you are at the mercy of this tendency when you’re in conversation with her and you feel a vibe that you just can’t quite put your finger on. Were you just duped? Is that shame you’re feeling? Was that a backhanded remark? Why do you feel so darn blah around her? It’s likely that the Hide n’ Seeker is the least authentic of all the Toxic Tendencies. She may hide behind a veneer of fake smiles and seek satisfaction by watching you squirm when she pushes your buttons. You have no trust for her and if you can, you’ll withhold information because you believe she will take the credit for herself.

The upswing? If this person is on your side, you have a partner in crime.

Words used to describe this tendency include: Liar, manipulator, mistrusting, sarcastic and avoidant

The core behavior with this tendency: Inauthenticity

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Desperate

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Harmony

Me-Monger

This person is the master of narcissism. They create an environment in which everything revolves around their needs, they tend to dominate conversations, and they engage in attention-seeking behaviors. In most instances they appear to have very high energy, yet in certain situations, they behave withdrawn in an attempt to get attention from others.

While they may be the most fun of the toxic tendencies, they tend to take energy from others to the point their co-workers become so depleted they will only hang with that person if they have to. Personally, this individual makes a lot of short terms friends (because of how fun they are) until those folks realize there’s nothing in the relationship for them.

The upswing? You can collect juicy nuggets about others’ wrong-doings from this person.

Words used to describe someone with this tendency include: Conceited, egocentric, gossip, draining and insensitive

The core behavior with this tendency: Overshadowing

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Dissatisfied

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Acknowledgment

Unconscious Objector

Unconscious Objector takes most things personally and attacks either directly or behind the backs of others, or they simply whine through incessant complaining. The Unconscious Objector objects to new ideas, new people, new behaviors – basically any change. ‘No’ is the word of choice. They are the ‘devil’s advocate’ and generally annoying. This is the tendency that erupts in a defensive outcry when they feel their values are being ignored, tested or otherwise disrespected. A common phrase others may hear from this person, “That’s not fair!” Sometimes it seems they object simply for the sake of objecting. This individual is the anti-change agent and is likely to be the one person to hold a group back from moving forward. While sometimes it seems easier to let old habits live on with the Unconscious Objector, this is not the case. It is essential to get them on board for changes.

The upswing? This person will speak up with some element of intellect and possibly voice the worries of others when no one else will do so.

Word used to describe someone with this tendency include: Chronic complainer, irritable, defensive, victim mentality, unhelpful, and resistant

The core behavior with this tendency: Defensiveness

The core feeling for one engaging in this tendency: Fear

The core human need for one engaging in this tendency: Equity

Stay tuned for the next post: Helping those with toxic tendencies find some relief from their self-inflicted angst.  Arriving on or by December 9, 2009.

Cheers to all who aim to live in harmony and peace to those who choose otherwise,

Kenda