ToXic People?

What is this? Who are they? And how do we free ourselves from them?

First off - Who are They?

Okay, really, it is unfair to consider an entire person toxic. More realistically, some folks in our lives have toxic behaviors. Simply the prospect of separating a person from his or her behaviors can help you heal through the toxicity.

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Secondly- What is it?

Toxins have filtered into our water, our air, our food and now our work places as the behaviors of difficult people are more recently being called ‘toxic’. I have a family member who lives 2500 miles away from me. She claims the term ‘toxic behaviors’ to be so California. I can't help but chuckle at these comments because many of them hold a lot of truth. I don't know from where this phrase originated, so maybe it is so California. In either case, I think it is a fabulous description, because it alludes to the harmful effects of these behaviors and the infectious outcome of our ingesting that noxious energy.

Here’s my take, a person with toxic behaviors is one who pushes buttons to the point of your having a very strong reaction. This reaction may be of frustration, anger, humiliation, or fear. These folks are masters at getting a ‘rise’ out of you. You have especially fallen prey to someone's toxic behaviors when you want revenge. A revenge reaction may take on different forms yet oftentimes it requires a large amount of psychic energy spent on fabricating a fabulous fantasy involving you and the toxic-behaviored (yes, I made up that word) person, a TBP.

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In these revenge fantasies, you take on the role of either the protagonist or antagonist and sometimes both. Sometimes, the TBP is in dire need of your help, maybe it's even a life-threatening situation. In this fantasy, you amuse yourself by shunning the TBP at their greatest point of need; walking away and yelling back, 'If you had only been nicer to me, I would save your life right now!' All the while with a Cruella DeVille laugh that would give Hannibal Lecter chills. Ahhh...the sweet scent of of power.

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In some revenge fantasies, you may be in conflict or an argument with the TBP (a friend of mine calls this shadow boxing). YOU are winning the argument because in this fantasy, you are a Master of Articulation. Your brain seems to have a direct connection to Websters as you find all the perfect words (that you may not be able to find when in actual dialogue with the TBP) and string them together with such undeniable force and with the absolute certainty that the TBP is profoundly affected by your powerful dialogue. It may go something like this..."You inconsiderate piece of humanity born on the shores of ignorance. You have the audacity to insinuate that I will tolerate your diabolical nonsense? Well, I will take your insults as compliments and credit them toward your ignorance thus showing your grave lack of intelligence. AND furthermore...if conceit were consumptive, you would be consumed!" The TBP breaks down, falls to her knees begging your forgiveness and promising to be a better person and to make the whole world smile. You, as the Sentry of Semantics, Advocate for the Acquiesced, Solider for Shyness, hold all the power. And with the graciousness of Gandalf touch the TBP on the head and forgive all her improprieties. The TBP grovels to become your lifelong servant as a show of her enduring gratitude. And you allow her to do so -out of the goodness of your heart. NOW that one feels good, doesn't it?

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In all seriousness, I am a complete supporter of sublimation in the form of harmless revenge fantasies IF you see no other short-term solution to this problem. Harmless and Short-term are key.

Personally, I have worked diligently to remove TBPs from my life. Outside of one distant relative with whom I have the misfortune of interfacing every 5-10 years, I’ve been fairly successful. But what does one do when feeling 'stuck' with a TBP at work or within a family unit? I don't know what would be most difficult: 1) Dealing with a TBP at work or 2) Feeling stuck in a personal relationship with a TBP.

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BTW: if you are a manager doing nothing about a staff member with toxic behaviors, you are contributing to the toxic environment. People in the workplace who are creating a toxic environment are best handled through a performance management process. Find the specific behaviors and how they relate to a business need and work toward supporting behavioral changes. Please take care of this! Yes, it's a challenge. The health of your work group depends on it. Write me if you need help!

Only yesterday I found this article online:
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/8-toxic-personalities-to-avoid-461078/

The question for me remains: Why are we spending time and energy identifying and thinking about these folks?

Here’s my answer: I believe it’s easier to take a look at (what I call an inventory) other people’s behaviors rather than at our own behaviors or reactions. If we spent more time understanding our own reactions and then working toward solutions versus time spent trying to understand why someone is behaving inappropriately, we may move forward more readily.

As mentioned earlier, folks with toxic behaviors have a way of pushing our buttons to get a rise out of us. Any ideas as to the reason for this?

I have some ideas. Surprised? After 10 years of counseling children and adults dealing with grief, I learned a valuable lesson. When someone has a lot of pain, they need relief. On a physical level, think about when you are developing a headache. Do you go directly to the medicine cabinet and grab some ibuprofen or the equivalent homeopathic medicine? If not, then I think you're a super hero.

If so, you do this because…? Because you want relief. Our emotions are not much different. When one is carrying an emotional burden, she or he wants relief. One way people in grief take their emotional medicine is by sharing many many touching stories about the loved one who died. The person listening and witnessing these stories gets to hear about how wonderful was the deceased. And in some ways, they get to share the loss by better understanding the griever’s pain, thus lessening the burden for the griever.

A person with toxic behaviors is carrying a burden of pain. I need to believe this in order to have more compassion. And sadly, in many instances when someone is behaving in a toxic way, they are either not conscious of it or simply do not have the tools for handling that pain. And in other instances, they may have a very fragile ego that is protected by their toxic behaviors. I do believe that those people who we judge to be arrogant or narcissistic have the most fragile egos. They protect those egos by seemingly over-inflating them - attempting to make someone else look small ultimately helping themselves feel bigger and better. People with toxic behaviors get momentary relief from their pain by attempting to dump it on someone else. That dumping is their ibuprofen – only it lasts a short while so they continually make trips back to the medicine cabinet – your psyche.

The best way to handle people with toxic behaviors is to handle your own reactions to them. Are you really going to allow yourself to be disempowered? You are only powerless when you choose to be.

One mantra that has helped me in the past is: This is not about me

In the past if someone said something toxic and inappropriate to me, I used to say (in my head) 'It’s not about me' unless of course I was directly responsible for their reaction. I certainly will not shirk responsibility for righting a wrong. In that case, I remedy the situation. If you can emotionally separate yourself from another person’s toxic behaviors, you can keep better boundaries and be less reactive. And by all means, be assertive and communicate your thoughts when necessary. Use your I Statements! These are vital to your having Courageous Conversations. At this point in my life, I more easily and directly communicate my thoughts, so I rarely need the ‘it’s not about me’ mantra. Every now and then I still need it....

Some useful phrases may include:

I'm offended by that comment.

I'm concerned when you say...

I prefer that we communicate differently together.

I would be more open to hearing you and working together if you would be willing to use more constructive language.

I feel drained and often angry when I'm around you, because I'm often defending myself. I wish you would withhold critical judgments of me. Would you be willing to try that? (keep in mind - the other person may not be willing to do this! Ask a closed-ended question, you may not get the response you want.)

It seems like when we're together, I spend about 75% of my time listening to you talk about other people. I'd rather not engage in this type of conversation.

When we're together, I often find myself feeling down. I realize that about half of the comments you share have a negative connotation. I'd like to try talking in a more positive light. Would you be willing to try this?

I'd prefer to handle this without your input (when dealing with someone you judge to be 'nosy').

How do we free ourselves from them?

I believe it is so important that you allow yourself the personal freedom of being nonreactive or effectively communicating your reactions with TBPs. Do it for your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health. Make the effort to empower yourself to rise above their behaviors rather than their getting a rise out of you. Can you imagine replacing your anger with compassion? Keep an eye out in an upcoming blog around mid-June. I will discuss how to find and hold compassion for TBP's.

No one can get a reaction from you without your permission.

I become gracefully free when I become convinced that I have the power to do a new thing.
- Sam Keen

Cheers to you and to your personal power,

Kenda

PS: if you're wondering about the paragraph separations (line of asterisks) that I inserted, it's an experiment. Sometimes my hard returns work and sometimes they don't. When they don't work, there is no paragraph separation as you can see from past posts. I'm open to any suggestions!

Customer Service is Not Just an Xternal Thing - Part II: Managers and 360 Feedback

Okay, so it looks as if the bigger call to action these days is with internal customer service. Given that need, this is where I will focus.

I recently became involved in a discussion regarding 360 feedback and whether it is most effective when provided anonymously or non-attributed. Frankly, if an organization must provide anonymous 360 feedback, I see a major red flag glaringly waving up and down and all around. I believe a healthy organization provides and receives open feedback regularly –regardless of a 360 feedback process. Sadly, few organizations are evolved to this level.

The reason for this?

Many folks simply do not know how to communicate in a way that feedback can be well-received, AND leadership has not bred a culture of transparency or trust (that there will be no negative consequences for truthful feedback especially if comes from the bottom up) or both. During the last 20 years of my professional work experience, both as an employee and as a consultant, there is only one organization that excelled at open feedback because open communication was valued to the point in which leaders and all the rank and file folks learned and implemented effective communication skills (both 'I' statements, withholding of judgment statements, and active listening). The leaders created a culture of trust and walked their talk. Fear simply didn’t exist.

I had the privilege of being employed at this place, a non-profit called the Cancer Support and Education Center. I knew on a regular basis how well my performance was received, how to improve and how to best support others in their development. I had the confidence to share my thoughts and to listen to feedback knowing it was not a personal affront. Going to work was an absolute joy.

As a trainer, I communicate these values to the various organizations where I consult. Unfortunately, some organizations still want a quick-fix. Some decision makers think that by my teaching a Courageous Conversations course their problems will be resolved - even if the leaders are not part of the development. Granted, I am happy to see positive changes at the microcosm level even if only a handful of participants implement a new tool, yet I implore leaders to value transparency and open communication in order to create that healthy culture – especially if they want to embark upon a 360 feedback process.

Loooong story short(er!) - I am a strong supporter of open feedback in a culture that values trust and communication. In a truly open culture, there may be no need for 360 feedback, because folks know regularly where they stand. I also believe (I’m aware some opinions may differ) that 360 feedback is simply ineffective in a fear-based, cautious, mistrusting or closed culture. Some simple foundation elements from leaders (for example, leaders role-modeling their ability to receive feedback and using ‘I’ statements) can first be applied before futilely spending the time and money on a feedback process that may be half-truths because of the providers fearing negative consequences or unfavorable reactions. The reality, even in a large culture and especially in a small work group, individuals involved in an anonymous feedback system spend time and energy trying to figure out who provided the feedback.

Wouldn’t that time and energy be better spent on providing tools for more open communication? Check out http://www.nr4g.com/ for more information!

Cheers and Trust the Process!